The most important stuff is always messy.
The really important things in life are not linear, not binary, not logical.
They don’t respect the rule of A + B = C.
They are much more likely to be like this:
Start with A, then all over the place, a bit of G, some S, followed by jumping through K, then back to A, then to Z, then perhaps, finally getting C, and only to realise it was an F all along.
It’s always messy, it can be enjoyable, but it is often very, very hard.
This is particularly true for those who have done well in the more obvious ways, the over achievers, the type A’s (I have been labelled as one myself on occasion, but I think the jury is certainly out) - doing well in exams, being successful in their chosen sports, jobs and their careers.
They know that if you do this, with enough effort, you will often get that.
They have learnt the rules of the game and then mastered them better than most.
But the other stuff, arguably the more important ones, it doesn’t play by those rules, not even close:
Finding a life partner: for those lucky few, it just happens: they want it, they find it. But not for most of us. For us it’s as much luck, of being in the right place (in every sense), just at the right time (in every sense), as it is working to any sort of plan.
The same is true with trying to have a baby, for some it’s easy, for many others (myself included) it is a long and challenging journey, full of the highest of highs but also the lowest of lows.
It’s also true at the other end of the spectrum: illness and death are equally resilient to the linear, logical rules. Whilst medicine advances at a pace, those who suffer know that serious illness and hopefully its resolution, can often be an incomprehensible mixture of nature, nurture and luck. When the end comes, for a blessed few, it comes close to how they wished it would be, but for most, it never seems that easy, we never get that close.
These are all worlds defined by ambiguity, by experiments run, lessons learnt and often ignored, by serendipity, by sheer luck.
This is a land where the levers are not clear, these are subjects that seem blissfully immune to the normal rules of effective action.
It is what makes them so difficult to deal with, so challenging to handle.
It took me a very long time to realise that managing and navigating these more important things comes down to three things.
And that these three things take a great deal of practise:
Acceptance in the moment - It is what it is.
A conviction, a belief over time - you will get closer to what you want, in some way, somehow.
Willingness to change the ambition itself and change the rules - be scrappy, don’t be bound to one version of success, or one version of how to get there. Give yourself permission to change your mind and change your rules.