Is this the last time?

I hadn’t realised at the time, but it was probably the last time.

I had finished my last run of the holiday in Les Gets in the French Alps, unclipped my board and, as I always did, appreciated the moment.

It is a sport I have loved for most of my life. The other worldly views. The friendships. Those moments when technical skill gives way to a feeling of complete control, and then to just feeling like you are flying. 

It’s a wonder.

Between then and now I had emergency, major back surgery. I have made a complete recovery, but snowboarding is an activity I am strongly recommend not to do. It’s possible but it is very unlikely I will ever do it again.

I recently visited Le Gets again for the day.

It was only then that I realised, it was only in that moment that I really understood that last time, really was the last time.

It made me think about how that moment would have been different had I known.

Would I have spent more time at the top, appreciating the view and what was to come?

Would I have taken a little extra time to tightening my bindings, to make sure they were just right?

Would I have felt each turn more keenly?

Would I have appreciated the rush of speed on the long straight run in the middle?

Would I have tried that extra jump on the lip on the right? Been more satisfied at the feeling of being momentarily aloft and then that lovely feeling of control as I landed?

Appreciated that wonderful sound of the carve, the gentle shift of weight from one edge to the other?

My god I would.

It moved me deeply, and it also got me thinking, what if I tried to treat more moments like that? 

To be more present, but also add an extra depth to that presence. 

To ask, what if this was the last time I did this thing? With this person, in this place.

I am sure it would feel more important.

It could transform the most mundane into something more, something significant.

A practise, to think more of all those things we take for granted, those assumptions about what is permanent and secure and ask simple questions:

If this was the last time? What would be different? What would I feel? What would I do?

If this was the only time? If you knew you would never be here again, would it be more precious? Would you treat it differently?

If this was the first time? What would I notice, what would I see anew?